The Desire To Be Real

When I started this blog, I had big plans.  Huge plans.

I wanted to connect with people.  I wanted to use my thoughts and experiences in this game of life as a way to encourage others.

But I also wanted an avenue where I could just write what was floating around in my head…or heavy on my heart…as a means of thinking things through [albeit in a public forum].

I wanted to be vulnerable.  I needed to be vulnerable.


“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
– Brene Brown


However, I’ve realized that I hold myself back when it comes to contributing to this blog.  It’s a little sad, in all actuality…since it’s my own story.

I filter out way too many thoughts that I want to write about for various reasons: other people’s thoughts, feelings, a fear of being completely open and honest with myself and others, etc.

And the topics or ideas that I do end up writing about are somewhat safe.  Sure, they are still me and make me just as vulnerable, and I’m still very happy and content with what I’ve written – but I’m certain there won’t be any negative thoughts, comments, or words coming back my way over them.

That’s just dumb.

My intention with this blog is not to invite confrontation or engage in any arguments or quarrels.  Not at all.  But it also shouldn’t be used to write only those things that are deemed pleasant and enjoyable to everyone around me…all the while completely disregarding the true feelings and emotions that may be weighing on me at that point in time.  That does nothing for me as the writer, and it builds up this facade of a life for you as the reader.

I don’t want you to think I’m constantly a hot mess in life – because I’m not.  But I struggle and think about things everyday.  These are some of the ideas I’d like to write about because it’s real – and I truly believe that out of these real events can come real healing and comfort…for writers and readers.

I don’t know how many times I’ve started to write a post but have deleted it – or just kept it saved in my Drafts folder, still untouched from the day it was originally written.

It’s limiting.

It’s not letting me be me.

It’s not going to happen anymore.

So, please keep reading these posts if you’d like.  They will be what they were initially intended to be – a glimpse into my life and the joys, struggles, and emotions I face on a daily basis.  But they won’t always be pleasant, and some of you may disagree with me writing them, in general.

But I’m going to – because I need to.

They will be me – complete, vulnerable me.

And I’m okay with that.

[SAJ]